On Letting Go
Detachment for Beginners
“There are really only three things you need to let go of: judging, controlling, and being right. Release these, and you will have a whole mind.”
A Course in Miracles
Whenever I read something like this, I can't help but think of Japhy Ryder in The Dharma Bums:
“Boy, are you ready to live by that? Do you realize how spacious you have to be? Giving up this and that… holding no opinions for or against anything… living without preferences… that's the fiercest philosophy that I can find.”
Non-attachment is a seductive concept, but it’s also a bit extreme for me. Taking detachment too far feels like dimming the light of living: if we renounce all preferences, what happens to art, love, and the full spectrum of human passion?
I find the Greeks’ approach more relatable than the Buddhists’1: everything in moderation. We can let go of what harms us without losing what makes us feel alive; we can embrace our enthusiasms while releasing the thoughts that weigh us down.
“Negative mental patterns require extra vigilance, because those patterns are destructive. With positive states of mind, we can relax and simply be aware that a wholesome state is present.”2
There are countless ways to build a better mind, and a great place to start is by setting aside what doesn’t serve you. The ideas below are simple suggestions to clear space and allow calm to take the place of tension. Embrace them, and you’ll soon discover the gift of a lighter way of being.
On Letting Go
Tanzan & Ekido
The Serenity Habit
Intentions & Exercises
On Pleasant Effort
A Gallery of Calm
Tanzan & Ekido
To set the mood, let’s begin with a story that illustrates the mind’s tendency to hold onto what can easily be released3:
Two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan picked her up and carried her to the other side. The monks walked on in silence.
Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. “Why did you carry that girl across the road"?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to do things like that.”
“I put the girl down hours ago,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”
The Serenity Habit
Letting go sounds good in theory, but how do we actually do it? How do we detach ourselves from our opinions, release our desire for control, and free ourselves from the need to be right?
Here’s a tool to get you started, modeled on habit-building architecture:
Cue ⇢ You notice any disturbance in your mind.
Action ⇢ You apply a relaxing intention (examples below).
Reward ⇢ You experience the restoration of calm.
The framework is deliberately simple and designed for practical use. Its purpose is to help you recognize when your mind is in distress and offer a gentle path out of it. At first, the maneuver takes conscious effort, but over time, release becomes a reflexive skill.
In brief (pin this to your monitor):
Cue ⇢ Recognize
Action ⇢
RuminateReleaseReward ⇢ Restore
Intentions & Exercises
1
Intention: “I am learning how to respond.”
Guide: Learning to respond is all there is to learn, and the first lesson is that no thought is ever neutral. Every thought you choose either loves or attacks, and that choice is the sole determiner of what you experience.
How can you expect a peaceful interpretation to enter your mind if it’s loudly insisting on another view? How can you feel deep calm while you angrily judge everything around you?
No matter what the source of your complaint is - or from what direction trouble seems to come - your inward reaction can be to gently soften. The good in you is very quiet; your ego is what’s restless.
Visual: This intention can be used in rhythm with breathing and pictured everywhere as a means of calming the mind. Each time you’re tempted to judge or condemn, inhale deeply and - on the exhale - let go of whatever tension you’re carrying.
2
Intention: “I forget what to be angry about.”
Guide: In every present circumstance, you can unsee all conflict and any other “cause” of suffering. Who hasn't looked back on an argument only to forget what it was about?
The only question is: Do you want to take the time to justify your position, or can you lay aside shows of dignity as unnecessary delays? Can you skip ahead and forget about this now? Can you release the problem before it develops?
Let your stillness meet the moment. Mentally lean back and let the circumstances bring you peace instead. See how easily anger dissolves into kindness and how quickly bitterness fades when softened by inner grace.
Visual: Each time you choose comfort over conflict with someone, picture that person relaxing at the same instant.
3
Intention: “I welcome any outcome.”
Guide: Control is an illusion we cling to when we fear uncertainty; it’s a shadowy grasp at what was never ours to hold.
Let things be whatever they will be. When you feel the urge to manage a situation, remind yourself that not everything needs your interference. Allow yourself to step back and welcome everything that is to come.
Notice the absence of anxiety when:
Your friends and family don’t need to act a certain way.
You don’t try to push people in certain directions by moderating your warmth or coldness towards them.
You don’t assign expectations to your partner - or wish for shifts in their attitude, personality and habits.
You might find that things work out better when you stop pushing them through the filter of your own motivations.
Visual: Imagine your happiness as an opening. Each time you impose conditions to be met - or rules for how things should go - you place a block in front of it. With every release, see yourself removing the block, and the opening becoming clear again.
4
Intention: “I give what I feel is missing.”
Guide: Any sense of lack or incompletion you feel - whether it’s a need for love, understanding, or attention - is a signal of what you can give.
The golden rule isn’t to ask, “What do I want?” but rather, “What does the other person need?” Love isn’t self-involved; it sends warmth in all directions.
Rather than focus on what you’re missing, offer it freely to someone else. Remember that whenever you feel empty, giving is the quickest way to feel full again.
Visual: Consider this act a blessing you extend to others. Whether it’s a silent loving thought or a quiet appreciation, wrap it up and extend the gift outward.
5
Intention: “I choose compassion over guilt.”
Guide: Guilt is the same mistake in different form. Does guilt help anyone, including the person we feel we’ve wronged?
A mistake calls only for correction, and you don’t need anyone’s cooperation or a change in circumstances to start healing. All correction begins and ends with you.
Are you the mistake or are you what’s in your heart? Notice how many times today you can profit from this reminder.
Visual: Imagine guilt as a gloomy song playing in the background. Whenever you hear it, gently switch the station to a calmer program. Let Compassion FM be your definitive response.
On Pleasant Effort
None of us jump straight from a conflicted approach to life to one of all unity and peace. We are either heading in one direction or the other - and the direction is all that matters.
If you feel discouraged about your progress, let go of that thought too. Release is meant to be a gentle process and an enjoyable use of the mind - there’s no need to rush or strive for mastery.
Simply practice, observe and enjoy the small shifts that open you up to a new way of seeing. As heard in meditation halls across the planet:
“How should I practice?”
“Short moments, many times.”
A Gallery of Calm
When you're too overwhelmed and mental exercises aren't enough, there’s a another trick you can rely on: distracting the ego. The ways to do this are endless, but my favorite is simply looking at pictures.4
Whenever my mind is spinning, I “park” my troubling thoughts and spend a few minutes with images that calm me down. While they may not solve everything, they help contain the situation until clearer thinking is restored.
Here are five that work for me - I hope they inspire you to find your own:
Spiral Galaxy NGC 2841, Hubble Telescope NASA 2010
Dawn to Dusk, Robert Irwin 2016
Still Life, Giorgio Morandi 1956
No. 7 (Beige, Orange, Grey), Mark Rothko 1963
Philosopher in Meditation, Rembrandt 1632
Afterword
Life doesn’t have to be as complicated as we make it. When we become preoccupied with protecting our pride, keeping score, and other small frustrations, we needlessly block our simple enjoyment of things.
If you want to experience a day of total happiness, start by releasing the demands you place on it. Look closely at the concerns you prioritize over a pleasant state of mind - and let them go.
Buddha’s Four Noble Truths:
Life is suffering.
Suffering is caused by attachments (to objects, ideas, people, survival itself).
The antidote to suffering is the cessation of desire, of attachment, of the self.
The path to a suffering-free existence = the eight-step path to enlightenment.
I get it. Detachment = the end of suffering and freedom to pursue nirvana. But complete detachment is life-negating, and, seen this way, nirvana turns me off.
I don’t believe you can be active in the world, enjoying your surroundings, trying things, connecting with people, being human... without at least a little attachment.
And if the price of attachment is suffering sometimes (or even most of the time), so be it: the eventual kiss is worth the rejections - the candle is worth the game.
Insight Meditation, Joseph Goldstein
A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle
Another favorite method is listening to music. Here’s a small playlist to pair with the little gallery. As with everything I suggest, please experiment and find what works best for you. These are the preferences that enhance, not hinder.