Lessons in Love
The Yoga of Relationships
“In relationships, you create an environment with your own work on yourself, which you then offer to another human being to use to grow in the way they need to grow. Lovers are an environment for their partners.”
Ram Dass
A year ago I met the woman I'm in love with. After our first date - a five-hour exchange of biographies, interests and ideas - I felt something I hadn't in almost a decade: the sense of romantic possibility.
My immediate thought walking home (besides wanting to shake strangers’ hands and tell them all about my good fortune) was something like:
"OK buddy, don't mess this up. There’s a real chance here. Gather up your best notes on relationships and apply them. It’s time."
That day, I sat down and started organizing a new notebook - highlights of which are weaved into the little love story below. They’re lessons from a year into a successful relationship1 - I hope you find what I’ve learned useful.
Lessons in Love
Before Her
Attitudes > Behaviors
The Therapeutic Tone
Love is a Mirror
The Yoga of Relationships
1 Before Her
In my youth…
I was a full-blown and naive romantic. Love was the air I grew up breathing. My father would bring home flowers, write long anniversary letters before dawn, and return from his travels with souvenirs too thoughtful to be casual.
As boys tend to do, I watched his devotion closely, and love became something I was eager to experience. I felt alive when I read something like this:
“‘I shall see her today!’ I exclaim in the mornings when I rise and look up to the beautiful sun with a glad heart; ‘I shall see her today!’ And then I have no other wishes all day long. Everything, everything is included in that one hope.” Young Werther, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
As I mature…
I’m still a romantic, but my enthusiasm for love is tempered by a recognition of the patience and nurturing it requires - the steady effort that is more often felt than seen.
I know the quiet endurance needed to outlast its difficult stages, and while the outer gestures are still beautiful, I understand the truest gifts are those that rest in the heart. I now gravitate towards ideas like this one:
“Did I pick the right person? The question inverts the start and the ending. We don’t pick our perfect match, because we ourselves are not perfect. The universe hands us a flawless diamond - in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that can’t join do we end up with a soul mate.” Notes to Each Other, Hugh Prather
2 Attitudes > Behaviors
On the morning of our Sunday get-together, I took a moment to consider past relationships, reviewing what had worked and what had been misguided. I wanted to be clear about my intentions, so I made a list of the attitudes I aspired to - and the behaviors I was ready to leave behind.
Away from…
communication games
hiding parts of myself
comparing her to others
anxiety, perceived pressures
insecurity & posturing
Towards…
directness, sincerity
allowing myself to be seen
seeking points of connection
letting things unfold naturally
trust & strong vulnerability
These shifts seem small, but they govern everything. They calm the nervous energy that stirs before introductions - the scattered excitements, the hidden expectations, the silent doubts - and help you move from:
“What should I say? What should I do?”
to…
“How do I want to feel? How do I want to make her feel?”
Behavior follows attitude, and it’s much easier to summon up good attitudes than it is to aim for perfect behavior. There can never really be a question of what to say or what to do - of how to treat each other - if the starting point is a loving state of mind.
3 The Therapeutic Tone
The first date went beautifully, as did the ones that followed. I couldn’t help but tell everyone about her - it felt good to share what was unfolding.
It wasn’t just about compatibility - though we had more than enough. What set this relationship apart was the depth of sensitivity we had each cultivated before meeting. It felt like something we had knowingly prepared for.
So I started asking:
Why is this working? Why is love flourishing in my heart now, when before it got buried? What is the root cause of our joining?
If I had to give a single answer, it’s this - without it, all the alignment in the world won’t keep you afloat; with it, all the alarms, dramas and crises won’t sink you. Get this right, and you’re set.
“Emotional Responsiveness: A partner's ability to pay attention to your emotional needs and your ability to pay attention to theirs. Note the reciprocity… a partner who values your feelings and motivates you to value theirs.” How to Choose a Partner, Susan Quilliam
When we hit our inevitable bumps - misunderstandings, emotional flare-ups and spontaneous moments of friction (the natural consequences of getting close to someone) - we spoke softly, asked questions and listened carefully.
We weren’t perfect, but our dialogue included plenty of what I call “the therapeutic tone”.2 It sounds something like this:
“I feel like we’re not making contact. Can you tell me what’s on your mind?”
“What I’m hearing is that… am I right so far?”
“Thank you for sharing. It’s OK to feel what you’re feeling. Your emotions are valid to me - they’re fair and important.”
“What do you think this feeling is trying to tell you? Let's explore it together, without rushing to conclusions.”
“Wait... that thing you said… it made me feel something and wonder something. Can we stay there for a moment? I’m not ready to move on yet.”
“This is difficult for me. I want to be entirely with honest with you, but I also don’t want to scare you.”
“It’s OK. You can talk to me. I’m not interested in judging, only in understanding. I’ll be generous with my listening.”
“Whenever you're ready, what do you believe the next step is?”
“I’m here with you in this. You're not alone.”
It might sound like fancy conversational footwork, but really it’s just about being a good friend. There’s no need to memorize lines or follow a script. Your own words will surface from your intentions. These are some of mine:
Settle into your gentleness. Let her inspire an ease reaction. Let her face, whether seen or thought of, be your signal to let go of your hurry and handle each moment with calm, respect and caring.
We all differ in the ways we’re afraid. Don’t question her needs; listen to them. Put her peace and happiness first; you get back what you give.
Practice being in your heart rather than your history. See her, not the past. Kindness is the willingness to see again as if for the first time.
Aim to feel a little closer to her rather than perfectly at one with your opinions. Make a thousand offerings to your friendship instead of a single empty gesture to your ego. Choose to be happy rather than right.
You do love her. If you need to pause often to remain sensitive to this truth, then pause often. Give your mind time to see importance where it really is.
4 Love is a Mirror
Six months in, my activities centered around spirituality and Eastern philosophy. I meditated and practiced yoga, spent plenty of time outdoors, read Buddhist and Hindu texts, and generally did my best to live with a little more awareness.
While many following a similar path view relationships as too “worldly” - hence monks, monasteries, and retreats - I came to see it very differently: far from being an obstacle, relationships can be catalysts for our awakening.
(I know, I’m not one for metaphysical language either… but stay with me.)
The closer we are to someone, the better we come to know ourselves, and through this process, love becomes a doorway to our growth. To reference a popular metaphor: “love is a mirror”…
“I can’t be found in myself - I discover myself in others.”
The beauty of relationships is that they point us in the direction of the lessons we most need to learn. Being in a close, committed relationship, offers us two things: (1) fewer places to hide our shortcomings and (2) a nurturing space to do transformative work.
“Ultimately, my character is defined by the quality of my sensitivity to other people.”
Every problem that presents itself in a relationship holds the promise of growth, if we are willing to look inside for the solution. There's a gift hiding behind every difficulty - a shift in perception, an attitudinal healing, a new understanding - and that gift is a gift to both ourselves and the relationship.
“Loving does something. It changes me. If only for a moment, I feel myself siding with what’s good in me.”
In relationships, you quickly notice that in order to be happy with someone, you’re going to have to change. But changing for the relationship - for something greater than yourself - is far more satisfying than self-interested improvement. The rewards of shared joy and an ever-deepening connection are immensely fulfilling.
5 The Yoga of Relationships
Let’s wrap this up with a little art - two paintings that capture where we are and where I think we’re trying to go.
Three Aspects of the Absolute, Nath Charit, Bulaki 1823
"On the right-hand side of the triptych, a figure is seated on the ground, practicing yoga. The Sanskrit word yoga means ‘yoking' and refers to the way in which the discipline allows us - through meditation, a range of postures and rules for breathing - to tame the runaway mind and body, so that we can overcome the ego and its passions.3
In the central image, such is the yogi's spiritual progress, the ground has disappeared from under his legs. By the last image, the yogi has disappeared altogether: he has managed to forget himself, his mind has merged with the universe, he has become a part of the absolute."
A History of Ideas, Hinduism, The School of Life
In relationships, a parallel process unfolds: we gradually allow a part of our individual self to dissolve into the connection we share with another. As we grow together, the boundaries of the self begin to soften.
For a relationship to have meaning, it needs a life. It needs to transcend “you and me” and become “us”. I have to see a life in her that isn't mine and join it; and she has to see a life in me that isn’t hers and do the same.
“If you’re lucky, your key unlocks her lock, and her key unlocks your lock. When you say, ‘I’m in love with her,’ what you’re really saying is, ‘She’s the key that is opening me to the place in myself where I am love, which I can’t get to except through her.’” Be Love Now, Ram Dass
We all long for love, but we’re also afraid of what love asks of us. And of course we are - there can’t be a true relationship without surrender, and surrender is terrifying.
But to truly share with another person requires letting go of who we think we are. We can't enter relationships clutching our egos - we need to go into it with loose boundaries and be willing to become what grows out of it.
“You simply can’t see your partner as long as you’re denying that your partner has an ego. If you feel judgmental of your partner, you can be sure that you’re denying you’re both alike.
But the instant you’re comfortable with your partner’s ego thoughts - because you recognize that you too have ego thoughts - you begin to see the relationship that always embraced you both. Now you need no words to evoke the spiritual, because you’re already a part of it.”
The Heart's Wisdom, Barry Vissell
The Kiss, Gustav Klimt 1908-1909
Afterword
There’s a basic instinct in us to connect to others. It might be covered by a bunch of surface-level distractions, but underneath it all, it’s there.
Soften how you look your partner. Practice kindness. Practice a great friendship. Give what you think you lack - and give it in abundance.
You can begin again at any time.
Hola reina. Happy one year.
The Gift of Therapy, Irvin Yalom 2001
I borrowed these from Irvin’s book on therapy and applied them to relationships. It makes sense to me, because the aims of the therapist and the lover are largely aligned: to create a space where we feel safe enough to be fully seen, understood, and loved, while learning to offer the same in return.
Note: Irvin is actually one of my relationship heroes. He and his wife, Marilyn, were together for 65 years. The book they co-wrote after her terminal diagnosis - A Matter of Death and Life - is beautiful.
At its core, the ego is about attachment - to our opinions, image, and possessions - creating a sense of separateness from others and from the peaceful truth that exists beyond a need for external affirmation.
While it’s not inherently bad (it doesn’t even really exist), the ego often distracts us from kindness and connection, which are found when we let go of our self-imposed roles and expectations. The challenge lies in recognizing when the ego is running things and gently choosing a path of openness and acceptance instead.
I couldn't help but hum U2's "Window In The Skies" while reading. Stunning, Javier.